As a combination birthday gift, Christmas gift, some extra cash I made from doing some surveys and some sewing, I was able to buy a new laptop. Whoohoo!

It's very cool and silver and shiny! And I really suck with that touch pad thingy! And I still need to figure out how to balance it on my lap while curled up on the couch. But, theoretically, since it is likely to be right there next to me every evening (since I spent most evenings on the couch) I should be blogging much more frequently! Oh you lucky guys you!

So here are some thoughts from the past week.

I had a nasty cold last weekend, super nasty, snotty, buggery, coughy, some fever, achooachoo cold. Felt most terrible for at least four days. Of course, three of those four days Amazing Daddy was out of town. SH travels out of town maybe twice a year, and usually at my urging, since it is to do some private consulting or advising and generally means a little extra chunk of change for us. So yeah, it all sounded great two months ago when he was invited on this little shindig.

Didn't sound nearly as great when it came time for him to leave and I was on the couch with a 101F on what was so far the nicest day of the year. I convinced The Boy that it would be great fun to have a pajama day and watch TV and movies all day. And for the most part it was, until he wanted to go outside and I said I couldn't, and he cried, because he was ready for me not to be sick anymore. And, that time where I fell asleep on the couch and didn't realize he was upstairs raiding the top of my husbands dresser for gum, tootsie rolls and spare change. Thankfully the phone rang and woke me up, and then I realized I had no idea where my son was.

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Tuesday my mom called me. I still felt like crap mind you. I had finally told my sister in law that I was pregnant. She has three boys 11, 8 and 5. So my mom told me that she and Kari had been talking and they wondered if I knew how hard this was going to be. It seems to be a running theme with my mother. Oh, you are going to be so tired, how are you going to do this. Are you sure you want to do this with all TB's problems. How are you going to manage. Does AD really want this, he is almost 50 you know. blahhhh, blahhh, blahhh. No matter how much I tell her that I don't want her negative thoughts, she continues.

So on Tuesday I asked her how she thought hearing that was helpful to me. Oh she says, we are just sympathizing. But, I said, it hasn't happened yet, so how is it helping? And then I may have pushed things a little by saying that, well, maybe I should just get rid of the baby now, cause shit, it will be hard and I will be tired, but really, so what if we spent $40,000 getting here, why don't I just go abort the baby right now, cause shit, I'll be tired. WTF!!!!!! So she said that maybe I should go get some sleep, and I haven't heard from her since.

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American Idol hell! Oh yeah, I watched, and cried. And fucking donated $100. Hi honey, yeah, forgot to mention, I donated to AI gives back! Yup, $100. I know.....

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So it's a little strange being a first time pregnant mom, who already has a child. I'm not a first time mom, but yet I've never experienced pregnancy or birth before either. Where exactly do I fit in?

Do I get a baby shower? I did have a post adoption shower for The Boy that my family did for us. It was very, very nice and they were very generous. My husbands work did a shower for him before we went to get TB and they were extremely generous. My work threw a small party with a cake and pizza for lunch one day and gave us some gifts. All quite nice! Very nice, and I am in no way complaining. I feel quite honored that anyone at all thought of us. Amazing Daddy's family did nothing, but then in the Jewish tradition you don't give baby showers before the baby comes.

So what about with this baby? I never had a true baby shower, as in here I am pregnant as house, guess how big the stomach is, silly shower games and ribbon hats etc. kind of shower. So now I'm pregnant with my first baby, but really, it's not my first baby. And I know many believe you don't get a shower after baby number one. So is it OK to still want a shower? Cause really, I still need all the newborn stuff that we didn't need for TB. How selfish am I being?

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And some more whining about being pregnant for the first time, but not really. This should be a time where AD and I are just all in to my pregnant body and whats going on in there, treating me like a queen, etc.. Everyone asks if he is going out at 2am to get me ice cream. Yeah right, the poor guy is so busy taking care of TB while I sleep on the couch every evening, that there is no way he's waking up for anything at 2am. AD is being so awesome and supportive, and taking care of TB is no easy feat some days. I'm just sad for both of us that we aren't able to revel in this pregnancy the way we have wanted to for almost eight years.

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Ok, whining is over. Next post more positive I promise.

Graduation day

Oh boy, it appears the RE and I are parting ways. I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

Another gorgeous ultrasound this morning. Lots of baby movement. That kid was all over the place! Damn...it just kind of hit me. I'm pregnant, as in really, really pregnant! Wow!

*breath, breath*

So, no more PIO shots. And no blood work to even confirm that when I stop its ok.

*breath, breath*

And only one more week of estrogen patches.

*breath, breath*

I don't think I'm ready. How can they just shove me away like this? Don't they know I have abandonment issues?

Ohboy, I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Out of the mouths of babes...continued

Before I forget, I really need to write down the latest words of wisdom from The Boy.

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Mommy: TB, it is not OK to yell out the window in the morning when you wake up. No one else is up and you are very loud. If you yell out the window tomorrow morning I will come in and close and lock the window and you will not have it open any more. Now, I want you to tell me what I just said.

The Boy: Mommy, no one likes a parrot!

(Of course I busted up laughing. Turns out he's a bit of a repeater at preschool.)
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At the zoo recently:

The Boy: wow daddy, that gorilla has a butt just like mine, except it's bigger!

(thankfully he didn't say it was just like mommy's)

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Last night:

TB: come on daddy, lets go hang in my room.

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When telling TB that he was going to be a big brother and there is a baby in mommy's belly.

TB: (laughing) nuh uh...that's just silly Mommy.

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And to balance things out, something from our six year old neighbor:

Michael: TB go get the (air quote) ball (air quote).

Seriously, the boy used air quotes when he said ball. And he was really telling TB to go get the ball. And it wasn't just two finger air quotes, it was four finger air quotes. Very reminiscent of Joey on friends.

10 weeks, 2 days

Ok, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable that this baby may stick around. Ultrasound today was so cool. Lots of moving around and waving of arms and kicking of legs. Baby is head down here.

Amazing Daddy has pretty much told everyone, or at least his mother has. There's telephone and then there's teleBea. Not that I blame her, she's pretty excited and definitely never expected this.

I'm still making my parents wait to tell anyone. Sometimes it is fun to just impose torture on them for no good reason. I did tell my sister-in-law which should relieve some of the anxiety for my mother to tell now that she has at least one person to talk to about it.

It's funny, my mom keeps asking me if I have a feeling about whether it is a boy or a girl. I really don't. I admit I'd like a girl for all the obvious girly reasons, but I truly don't have any sense of what it actually is. Should I?

Next US next Thursday (April 26). I think he was about to let me go today, but I begged for at least one more and he agreed.

I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. I guess it is with the nurse to get all the paperwork set up and lab work slips done. Appointment with the actual doctor is in another two weeks.

I'm still exhausted, and occasionally feel slightly icky stomach, but mostly pretty good.

8 weeks, 2 days

All is well. I've just been so busy being tired. Incredibly tired. Not wanting to leave the couch kind of tired. With a tiny bit of nausea thrown in for good measure.

Ultrasound this morning showed a good sized embryo at eight weeks five days. Still hard to see, but the white blog toward the middle of the black space is the head. The torso to the left of that, with the thin white bit being the umbilical cord. The heart beat was steady at 166 beats a minute.

Today I feel pretty good. I think I always feel better the day of the ultrasound. I get gradually more uptight leading up to each one. So much fear that I will go in and the heart won't be beating or the growth will have stopped. Amazing Daddy just doesn't understand why I do this.

Of course, he also doesn't understand why I called him at work this morning asking him where The Boy's fucking shoes were, and why I think it's his responsibility to make sure I can find them in the morning. Then he made some comment about how tired he was, to which I responded "you're tired? You're tired? You think YOU are tired?" He may be a little scared to come home tonight.

We have a heart beat!

After all that anxiety, and some slow wanding by Dr. C., we saw a heart beat. A huge relief.

Amazing Daddy can't understand my pessimism about this. In a way I'm glad. It's good there aren't two worry wort's in this family.

Next US in a week.

Six weeks, two days

Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

I'm terrified. I have this overwhelming fear that there will be no heartbeat, meaning the pregnancy is over.

I don't know why I feel this way, other than I don't feel pregnant at all. Of course everyone tells me that's normal at six weeks. Yet, it still frightens me that I have no nausea, no overwhelming exhaustion, no insatiable hunger. All I have is major moodiness, and I mean major. I just hope my fear has more to do with hormones than something substantial.

I've wavered since last Friday (yes, one day after my last US) about calling to be able to come in early for at least an HCG level.

Will I be this paranoid and insane for the entire pregnancy (provided there is one after tomorrow)?

Telling and not telling

I've told a few people at work, mainly my boss, and three of my co-workers. Two of those co-workers have been involved and supportive of my efforts to conceive and both have had difficulties of their own, either getting pregnant or during their pregnancy. The other co-worker is the guy that is in the cube next to me (so he hears all my one conversations) and basically, he's just about the nicest guy I know. And I trust him. And, being the only guy in a group of women he hears far more than I'm sure he wants to know.

Just a little background on the company I work for. We have about 25 employees right now. I work for a smaller division of the larger organization that is made up of six employees (including me).

I have not told one of the women that is in my work group. This is for several reasons. 1) she's been rather nasty to me several times since last summer (it's a long story and I don't have time to go in to it right now, but basically her people skills suck). 2) We haven't spoken about anything personal in almost a year. 3) She's never had a single problem getting pregnant or during her pregnancies. 4) I don't trust her with something so emotional to me, especially if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.

So this morning, my boss came up to me and said she was thinking and that she thinks I need to tell her. That it's not fair that everyone else knows (meaning the four that I have told). She thinks this would be a good will gesture on my part and I should take the first step. I told her that I don't necessarily feel like being the better person with this. She isn't involved in my personal life and I don't feel like including her now. I will tell her when I'm ready to tell the rest of the office. Probably in two more weeks if things go well. I trust the people that I have already told, I don't trust her.

What do you guys think?

Whewwww!!

Sigh of relief.

It looks like it's just one little yolk sac in my uterus. One nice looking singleton Dr. C. says.

Beta = 4880

Next U/S in a week.

Yeah, I can't see anything either. Do you think they are yanking my chain?

I'm pretty sure Amazing Daddy started to tear up when he heard all was good and it was only one. I'm not sure if it was tears of relief that it's not twins, or tears of acceptance that yes, it looks like we might have a baby!

beta update

Beta = 880

Not quite double, but good yes?