The thing is, I'm in a kind of grey space right now. Stress is high, coping is low. There isn't much joy** in life right now.
I actually realized this a few weeks ago, when I started thinking I would want to be taken in the first wave.
You know, the first wave of the alien attack* (or maybe the zombie attack?).
No sense making it through the first wave, or the second wave, and joining the resistance. Shit, I can barely cope with family life right now when I have power and modern conveniences and ready access to pharmaceuticals. Plus, I'm exhausted all the time. I can't imagine taking care of my family when we are hiding from aliens (or zombies),
I used to think that I'd be one of the strong ones in an emergency. I'm pretty self sufficient. I have the common sense. I can do things, especially if I'm told I can't. I may not be the most physically fit, but I could make do. Plus my extra insulation just meant I'd go longer if food was scarce. And fuck if I was going to let the aliens win. Or the zombies.
But lately, the grey is heavier. And I started thinking that if there is no joy, why would I really want to go to all that trouble? And why would I want to drag Noah through it, when it would be a world even more chaotic than he deals with now?
At least when I'm lying awake because I can't turn my thoughts off I have new topics to obsess over. Less boredom, more morbidity.
I probably should call that number my therapist gave me. I might need a bit of a pharmaceutical tweak.
*Thanks to the TNT summer series Falling Skies for this morbid train of thought. Loved the show though, even if I won't be fighting next to Noah Wyle!
**I wrote this last night. Sometimes before I go to bed I write my best stuff. Sometimes it's the craziest. You can decide what this post is. The fact that I wrote this at all is actually making me laugh right now. So maybe I do have a bit of joy in me, even if it is twisted at the moment. I mean really, aliens and zombies? Shit, it really is the Republicans we need to be scared of.
Unless they were taken over by the aliens...