Friday, May 13, 2011


Tonight my heart is breaking for Noah. It feels like the demons in his head are winning. I don't know what else to do to help him fight them. Nothing is helping right now.

I caught him walking out of the house with a table knife in his pocket. He doesn't know why he had it, just that he felt like he needed it. There is no sense in it. We were on our way to meet Rich and Kiel for dinner.

Asking him to remove the knife and other objects in his pocket triggered a temper tantrum. Telling him we were not going to go out to dinner because he wasn't able to listen and follow directions resulted in a full out rage.

I videoed about a minute of it, and he is like a crazed animal. It's so frightening. For him, for me.

The psychiatrist called mid rage so he got to hear the screaming and banging over the phone. More changes to his medication. He is on lithium now. I never thought we would reach that point, and definitely not so soon.

He's asleep now and should be good until morning, although he has nightmares most nights.  I hope I can sleep.

I don't believe in god or hell. But tonight I think I believe in demons, because I don't know what else could be tormenting him like this.

My poor little boy.



  1. sending strength to you, I can not imagine what you are going through - or what Noah is going through.

  2. Oh my heart goes out to you. I hope the medication helps and that Noah is able to find himself in all of this. You are an amazing mom - hang in there and know your friends and family are there for you.

  3. Praying that things are better for you as I'm reading this...