Breaking

Tonight my heart is breaking for Noah. It feels like the demons in his head are winning. I don't know what else to do to help him fight them. Nothing is helping right now.

I caught him walking out of the house with a table knife in his pocket. He doesn't know why he had it, just that he felt like he needed it. There is no sense in it. We were on our way to meet Rich and Kiel for dinner.

Asking him to remove the knife and other objects in his pocket triggered a temper tantrum. Telling him we were not going to go out to dinner because he wasn't able to listen and follow directions resulted in a full out rage.

I videoed about a minute of it, and he is like a crazed animal. It's so frightening. For him, for me.

The psychiatrist called mid rage so he got to hear the screaming and banging over the phone. More changes to his medication. He is on lithium now. I never thought we would reach that point, and definitely not so soon.

He's asleep now and should be good until morning, although he has nightmares most nights.  I hope I can sleep.

I don't believe in god or hell. But tonight I think I believe in demons, because I don't know what else could be tormenting him like this.

My poor little boy.

Friends - I got me some

I've not nurtured friendships very well since I got married.

When I first moved here to be with Rich I didn't need anyone but him. I didn't care to be with anyone else. I missed my best friend in Michigan, I still do, but getting ready for the wedding, starting a new job, and living with my future and then new husband consumed me. There wasn't anything I couldn't share with Rich so between that and my shyness and social awkwardness I didn't try very hard to make friends.

Then we went through all the infertility crap and it was too hard to be around anyone that could or did have kids the old fashioned away because it just wasn't FAIR. (Said with my whiniest voice.) It was too painful.

And then Noah came to us and I was consumed again, with our little family of three and trying to figure out to be a mother. I started to meet some of our neighbors and a few people in the mommy and me classes we did. But I let that awkwardness get in the away with some of them. And then the two women that I got the closest to and really did connect with, well, they both moved.

Then Noah's behaviors started to show themselves and the few connections we did have with other families gradually faded away because we were uncomfortable having Noah around other kids because it never ended well.

And that just continued. And I stopped trying. I just accepted that the neighborhood moms thought I was odd and that I didn't fit in.

But tonight I sit here and I can tell you that even though we are in our lowest point ever with Noah - And I mean it is capital B A D bad right now - I now have friends that I can trust and talk to.

Thank you Donna and Shelley for coffee this morning! We missed you Julie!

Thank you Jennie for calling me this afternoon and letting me know you were thinking of me. I needed that hour of venting and laughter and sharing. You are a special woman and one of my heroes!

And thank you Jason for really caring about me and my family.

We may be in one of our darkest spots right now, but today I had three bright, warm lights shine on me and it made all the difference in the world.

Thank you my friends!