Sunday, December 12, 2010

Remember when I wrote this post last week about how fast Noah's mind and body were going?

Well, it's taken me some time to be able to come back and tell you about the aftermath. I needed some time to process, and to decide if I should be writing it here or not. That part I'll discuss a little later.*

Noah was in what I believe is a manic state, or perhaps a hypomanic state. Everything was running fast. He was mostly pleasant, but you could tell it wouldn't take much to push him over to the edge of anger. And it happened. He went from enjoying the first night of Hanukkah to raging and screaming, throwing and kicking. Like a switch was turned on. He alternated between the raging and aggression with hysterical crying, during which he was hiding in the bathtub or his bedroom closet. During those time he told us several times he wanted to die, that he was an idiot, that he shouldn't be in this family, that he was a looser and someone please give him a knife so he can kill himself.

It was the most gut wrenching, horrifying thing I have ever heard. My boy, who is not even eight yet, saying he wanted to die.

We were trying to take him off one of his medications. Obviously that wasn't going to work. We are slowly tapering him back up. He is doing better this week, but is still quick to frustration. It's like walking on egg shells around him. It's exhausting and frustrating. I worry for him, for his future.

*I'm considering starting another blog that would be password protected. I no longer feel safe writing here, and I haven't for a year. My writing has changed because of that and I know I have lost readers. But most important for me, because I've changed what I write, I've lost a big part of my place to work through things.

I think I'll keep this blog and just put the more emotional posts in a password protected one. I need to figure out how to go about it so that those that I want to read get the password.

Anyone else gone this direction? Thoughts? Regrets?



  1. I have no thoughts on the pw thing. My nephew used to be very melodramatic and if he was having meltdown of his own he'd run to his room and say "I'm going to die!" This was at six. He seems to be calmer now that he is 13. My sister was stressed out during her pregnancy having a toddler to chase and figures the higher levels of cortisol running through her contributed to his demeanor in life. I’ve never meet a boy quite like him.

  2. You must do what you need to do for your family, and for you - if writing is part of that, but you don't want it to be totally public, that's ok. This is firstly your record for you and your children, not the population of the internet...

    Hoping you all have strength and hope as you walk the path before you.

    With admiration for your parenting in so many challenging circumstances.

  3. Stay strong, I'm a reader in NY and I find your struggles inspiring. You are a great mom and I will miss your posts if you change the blog but you need to do what is best for your family. I can't sign my posts b/c I don't have any of the types of accounts listed!

  4. Oh, I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. That must have been awful to hear your son saying those things about himself.

    You need to be able to vent your feelings and thoughts, even if no one is reading it. It's great if you can keep your readers if they are giving you the kind of support you need. I would follow if you went PWP on the whole site or just per-post...

  5. You can password protect individual posts on wordpress.. not on blogspot as far as I know.

  6. Hey, you used to write great, and your last blogposts are just great! Thank you.