Remember when I wrote this post last week about how fast Noah's mind and body were going?
Well, it's taken me some time to be able to come back and tell you about the aftermath. I needed some time to process, and to decide if I should be writing it here or not. That part I'll discuss a little later.*
Noah was in what I believe is a manic state, or perhaps a hypomanic state. Everything was running fast. He was mostly pleasant, but you could tell it wouldn't take much to push him over to the edge of anger. And it happened. He went from enjoying the first night of Hanukkah to raging and screaming, throwing and kicking. Like a switch was turned on. He alternated between the raging and aggression with hysterical crying, during which he was hiding in the bathtub or his bedroom closet. During those time he told us several times he wanted to die, that he was an idiot, that he shouldn't be in this family, that he was a looser and someone please give him a knife so he can kill himself.
It was the most gut wrenching, horrifying thing I have ever heard. My boy, who is not even eight yet, saying he wanted to die.
We were trying to take him off one of his medications. Obviously that wasn't going to work. We are slowly tapering him back up. He is doing better this week, but is still quick to frustration. It's like walking on egg shells around him. It's exhausting and frustrating. I worry for him, for his future.
*I'm considering starting another blog that would be password protected. I no longer feel safe writing here, and I haven't for a year. My writing has changed because of that and I know I have lost readers. But most important for me, because I've changed what I write, I've lost a big part of my place to work through things.
I think I'll keep this blog and just put the more emotional posts in a password protected one. I need to figure out how to go about it so that those that I want to read get the password.
Anyone else gone this direction? Thoughts? Regrets?