day 4 of 2ww

I felt slightly light headed most of the day yesterday. I felt like that around this time during our first cycle. Today I had definite cramping in my lower abdomen. Implantation cramping? I sure hope so. I was pretty excited feeling it. No spotting unfortunately. That would make me a little more confident that this wasn't the result of wishful thinking.

Still feeling optimistic here and hoping it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.

I realized yesterday that my parents will be visiting us the weekend that we find out. I had been trying to get them to come that Thursday night so I could spend my day off with them on Friday, but now I'm glad they aren't since the pregnancy test is that day. Not that I won't pee on a stick before then. Shit, I asked Amazing Daddy if I could do an HPT today.

Super Nanny disappointment

I'm watching Super Nanny right now and I can really relate to the mother with the child with ADHD. I understand her pain. I'm incredibly lucky that I don't have the problems with Amzing Daddy that she does with her husband. AD really is an equal partner (if not more) in caring for The Boy. In fact lately I think he handles The Boy much better than I do.

Anyway, back to Super Nanny, I'm hoping she will give some serious tips about how to handle the aggression that the boy on the show has. The bit they showed where the son was hitting and kicking her when he was angry could be TB. That woman could be me. Well, other than she's pregnant, blond, thin and beautiful. She so wants to do the right thing for her son, just like we do.

We are trying TB on medication. We have put a lot of thought into doing this and feel we need to give it a try. We started Adderal XR 5 mg on Saturday. Since AD was totally in charge this weekend while I was in bed I won't really have a chance to see what it is doing until tomorrow. At school today they said he was very emotional and defiant with his teachers. Over the weekend I thought he was more emotional as well. He's not sleeping that well, although that isn't that unusual.

I think it is important that we give this try at least a week. We see the developmental pediatrician at CHOP in two weeks.

Hmmm...five minutes left and still no earth shattering tips to deal with the aggression.

Oh wow, is that little girl adorable!

Optimistic

I'm surprisingly optimistic about this cycle. Part of me actually believes it might work this time. Of course knowing we aren't using our own genetic embryos (which I truly believe suck) makes it different enough for me to think the outcome could be different.

Our last cycle (IVF#2) felt like a failure from the time of the egg retrieval. I was in no way surprised to find out it was a big fat failure.

I was of course hopeful with our first cycle. Supposedly we were bypassing all our "problems" and we transferred four decent embryos (although not as beautiful as the ones this time). I even had a few days, close to a week I think, where I felt like it might be happening. I know my body was telling me something was different. I think those little embies tried to burrow in and grow, but they just didn't have the strength.

What keeps me somewhat grounded and fearful of any optimism is that we have no way of knowing if it was truly the embryos or it was my uterus that failed. If it was indeed my uterus I guess I'm doomed for failure again.

A big part of me just doesn't believe anything will ever work. I'm unable to envision myself pregnant. It doesn't mean I don't want it with all my heart. I'm just unable to envision it. I've become so wrapped up in the process of IF treatment that I sometimes forget there is an endpoint, an ultimate goal.
Really guys, it's not all about multiple blood draws and the joy of spreading your legs to rooms full of people. And paying to do it no less.

Day 1 of 2ww

Transfer went very well yesterday. We had to meet our acupuncturist there at 6:45am with transfer scheduled at 7:30am.Amazing Daddy dropped me off at 6:30am and took The Boy to preschool then came back

Being the third time I knew what to expect and had the routine down. Acupuncture was relaxing and I dozed during it. Dr. C arrived right at 7:30 and told me we had three excellent embryos. They had thawed five and three survived and divided beautifully. Basically I was told they were as good as they get. They looked textbook to me, beautiful symmetry with no fragmentation.

I knew enough to release a little pee before I went in (such control I have being able to go to the bathroom without letting it all out). the transfer went very smoothly, with very little discomfort at all. The only disappointment was that AD didn't get there until about three minutes after the actual transfer. He did get to hold me hand while I relaxed on the table before I was able to get up.

We were home and I was in bed by 9:10am. I've been there since. I feel good about things in so far as I know the embryos looked great and I know the donors were successful with them. The unknown now is if my body will let them (1 or 2 preferably) implant and grow.

Blood levels Friday and then pregnancy test the next Friday. I imagine I'll do an HPT before that. Nothing now to give me a false positive.

Fingers crossed!

While I'm here I might as well give an update on the FET

My estrogen finally went up after a few days of Estrace tablets shoved up my vahjayjay as Oprah calls it (not sure how she spells it though), or my hotpocket as my IVF nurse called it. So we are a go for transfer on Friday.

Today I started my Medrol dose pack and the PIO shots. I still have on four estrogen patches but have stopped the vaginal Estrace.

Apparently the embryos were frozen on day one, so technically at zygote stage. They will be transferred at what is considered day three. I'll return for blood work next Friday and then the pregnancy test in two weeks. We are hoping to thaw five and transfer the best two or three. This would give us five left if we need to try again.

The other couple that used some of these embryos in December apparently got pregnant.

Overreaction to the nuclear level?

I know I am completely over reacting to this. I'm allowing that dad to control me in a way. It's so ridiculous and part of me can look at it so rationally, but a bigger part of me is still very upset. Like beyond normal upset and bordering on anxiety upset. It's so ridiculous.

I suppose I can blame some of it on the raging hormones going on in my body. But a lot of it is just me. I hate confrontation. I'm not quick with a response to things like that, then I can't let it go after it's gone. This is the kind of thing that five years from now I will remember and it will still upset me. I let it run over and over in my head; replaying the scene with all the different things I could have/should have said.

For example, should I have responded with something like "gosh, it must be so nice to know your kid has never hit anyone, what have you done to raise such a great little boy" in my sincerest voice? Would he have picked up on the irony? Or is it possible that there are kids out there that have never in their lives hit another child?

Or perhaps when he told me I should do something about my kid I could have sat down at his table and agreed and asked him to please tell me what to do, that I'm desperate to know what to do, and since he's an expert I would appreciate whatever wisdom he could spare me.

Or maybe, I could have told him that his kids lispy little baby speech patterns were drilling a hole through my ear and in to my brain so I was forced to tell my son to whop him one. And wow, my son minds me so well. I must be doing a great job with him.


I think the irony of this is that The Boy was really having a great day. He knew I was upset on our drive home and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that when he hit the other little boy that the boys daddy was upset and yelled at me, and it made me feel bad to know that he hurt someone. So when TB got in the house he sat right down in his time out spot and told me he was taking his time out for hitting.

Here's to you mean daddy (of perfect child) at McDonalds who made me cry

Amazing Daddy says I'm over reacting, and I probably am. Maybe it's the hormones or the fact that I got less than six hours of sleep last night, but the man was such an ass.

After blood work and ultrasound at the RE, The Boy and I went to McD's to play in the play land and have breakfast. TB was pretty bummed that no other kids were there when we first arrived. About half an hour later though another little boy about TB's age showed up with his mom and dad. TB was very excited and the two boys played for a good half hour together appearing to have a lot of fun and being real "boys."

After a while I could tell TB was getting a little wound up so I gave him the ten minute warning which he handled fairly well. He went off to do one last trip up the climber and down the slide and the other kid joined him for a few minutes then went back to his parents. I talked TB down finally and was walking him back to our table to get his shoes on when the dad stopped me and told me that my son punched his son and he saw it all happen. Of course I immediately apologized to all of them and had TB come over and say he was sorry. I also told TB in front of them that I know he knows that hitting is not OK and we don't hit people.

Well the dad just couldn't let it go and kept saying that he saw it happen and now his son was so upset they were leaving. His son did look like he had shed a few tears, but he didn't in anyway look like he was so upset he couldn't play any more. So I said that we were leaving and they didn't have to.

I honestly thought I was doing every thing I could to try and "make it right" with his son and with the parents. I apologized several times and made it clear that I didn't think hitting was OK. But this dad just couldn't let it go and starts saying that all they wanted to do was bring their son to have some fun and my son ruined it for them.

I think at that point I said something like "you don't have to be so mean to me." And he responded with something about how my son needed help.

It just all seemed so blown out of proportion to me, but then again since I felt attacked by the dad, I'm not thinking very clearly about all of this.

Certainly this isn't the first time I've had to apologize for TB hitting someone, and to be very honest he's done worse than he did today. I try very hard to prevent these incidents but unfortunately I'm not always successful. I do however, when it happens, apologize profusely and we immediately leave. I never give TB second chances. Short of never letting TB play with other kids I'm not sure what more to do.

If you read this blog you know that TB is getting help for his impulsive actions. A lot of help.

So my question is, what more could I have done? Was this dad out of line? I absolutely understand wanting to protect your child, but was it necessary to attack me in the process?

TB is pretty honest with me about these things. When we got home I asked him if he hit the boy and he said yes. I asked if the boy hit him and he said no. I asked him how many times and he told me "just one time mommy." We talked some more and it actually sounds like TB might have pushed the other kid, not hit him, but I guess I can't be sure since I didn't see it. It definitely wasn't TB beating up the other kid, or sitting on him and pummelling him. It seemed more like typical four year old boy play. God, does it sound like I'm trying to justify here?

During all of this the mom just sat there and didn't say anything or look at anyone. The dad left with the boy and she sat there for a few seconds then threw away the trash and left, without acknowledging me.

By this time I was close to tears. Part of me wanted to run after them and try and make them understand I wasn't some bad mom with a delinquent four year old. Part of me wished I had some snappy come back that would have put this dad in his place. Most of me wishes I could just let it roll off me and ignore it. But it really bothers me and I cried the entire drive home.

I'd love to hear from other mom's out there on how they would handle it. Fortunately most parents have been quite gracious when TB does something and I apologize. I wish I had some "come back" that I could have on hand that would make it clear that we are getting help for our son and that there are reasons for his behavior, although we don't consider his actions appropriate.

This is the kind of thing that will bother me for a long time, even though the rational part of me knows that I'm being silly to let it.

ahhhh...the literalness

Me: TB, stop being so poky. It's cold out here.

TB (with great indignation): Mommy, I am not poky, I am not a cactus.

101 things I love about Amazing Daddy

1. He's an amazing Daddy.
2. He not only reads the stories, he talks about the pictures.
3. He's an awesome cook.
4. He's brilliantly intelligent.
5. He makes me laugh.
6. He has this cute freckle on his left ear lobe
7. I love rubbing his bald head.
8. He buys me flowers.
9. When we lived in different states and were dating he sent me cards almost every day.
10. He introduced me to new authors.
11. He cleans the litter box.
12. He married me even though I had four cats and a dog.
13. He laughs at my jokes.
14. He doesn't care that I'm not skinny.
15. He thinks I'm beautiful.
16. He's damn handsome.
17. He owns his own tux.
18. He cooks for me.
19. He changes our son's diapers.
20. He empties the diaper pail.
21. He can fall asleep instantly. (Fine, I'm jealous of that.)
22. He keeps my car full of gas.
23. He stops at the store on the way home when I ask him to.
24. Even though we need the money he tells me I can stop working Saturday nights.
25. Did I mention he makes me laugh.
26. He's an amazing pharmacist.
27. When I think about how much I love him I start to tear up.
28. When he tells the story of how we adopted our son he tears up.
29. He told me once that cuddling is better than sex. He was totally lying!
30. When we were dating and first married if I watched sports with him he would scratch my back.
31. He helped me give my cat an enema.
32. He cleaned up dog barf when I thought I was going to barf.
33. He rubs my back when I barf.
34. When ever he touches me I feel better.
35. He has healing hands.
36. He can laugh at himself.
37. He lets me laugh at him.
38. He takes care of all car related issues.
39. He takes out the garbage.
40. He has soft hands.
41. He makes me want to be a better person.
42. He teaches me about the world.
43. He almost always knows the answer.
44. He lets me talk to him late at night when I can't sleep, even though he's struggling to stay awake.
45. He almost always lets me sleep in on weekends.
46. He gets me medicine when I wake up with a migraine.
47. He buys me ice cream when I have PMS.
48. He puts up with my crazy days.
49. When it snows he shovels the drive.
50. He cleans my car off for me.
51. He enjoys playing with our son and he's good at it.
52. He takes our son to see his mother every week.
53. He's a great, caring son to his mother.
54. He does all the driving.
55. He never minds when my parents visit.
56. He lets me listen to country music even though he hates it.
57. He is teaching our son about Frank Sinatra and Bruce Springsteen.
58. He's not shy about using the bathroom in front of me.
59. He sees me naked every day and he still loves me.
60. He plays outside with our son and takes him for nature walks when he knows I need a break.
61. He lets me have "me" time.
62. When I quit my job five years ago and told him I wanted to work part time he didn't freak out (much).
63. He gives great shots in the ass.
64. He hates that the shots hurt me.
65. He tells me I am beautiful.
66. I know he loves me.
67. He gives me space when I need it.
68. He drives twelve hours each way so we can visit my parents.
69. He cleans the shower.
70. He loved my grandma almost as much as I did.
71. He knows how to get our son back in control.
72. He has a million times more patience than I do.
73. He only laughs at me a little bit when I don't know simple music or movie trivia.
74. Even though he's happy with our family the way it is, he's letting me try to get pregnant.
75. He takes care of me when I'm sick.
76. He really is my prince charming.
77. He knows how to load and unload the dishwasher.
78. He's a better cook than I am.
79. He almost never leaves the toilet seat up.
80. He calls me at work every day just to check in.
81. He's loyal.
82. I trust him.
83. He looks AT LEAST ten years younger than he really is.
84. He's proud of his farts.
85. He's a true gentleman (despite the farting) and is teaching our so to be one too.
86. He supports me no matter what I'm doing.
87. I know he's proud of me when I accomplish something.
88. He listens to me (most of the time).
89. He married ME!
90. He is the best friend I have ever had.
91. He loves children.
92. He goes shopping with me.
93. He goes shopping with me for clothes, and helps me pick them out.
94. He'll go to the mall for me and get what I need at the makeup counter.
95. He celebrates Christmas with me, even though he's Jewish.
96. He takes me to get a real Christmas tree every year.
97. He is thoughtful.
98. He snuggles me when I need it.
99. He feels bad when he has to discipline our son, then sneaks in at night to cuddle with him.
100. He ALWAYS kisses me goodbye.
101. He never goes to sleep without kissing me and telling me he loves me.

Happy Valentine's day sweetheart. You are the love of my life and I can't imagine being with out you.

~K

Huh....

Well, explain this one.

Estrogen = 82 today. Last Saturday it was 88. Since last Saturday I've increased from two Vivelle patches every two days to three. How the hell did it decrease?

On the plus side my lining was good according to Dr. C.

So, up to four patches now. Back on Tuesday. Transfer likely delayed until Tuesday 2/20 which means I'll have to tell my boss what I'm doing. I was hoping not to tell anyone about this cycle. I really didn't want to have to share my disappointment once again.

DFET update

So I'm in the midst of our donor embryo cycle. I started estrogen patches a week ago and am up to three vivelle 0.1 mg dot patches. I likey me some estrogen. I feel a hell of a lot better than I did when I wrote that pathetic post two weeks ago. Ughh...how awful was that one?

Anyway....transfer is next Friday (2/16). They are 2pn embryos so they will be thawed on Tuesday. If I understand correctly they will be transferred at blast stage. Does that make sense Leggy?

It's nice not having to go in for monitoring as often. I'm not telling anyone at work this time, and it's worked out well because my appointments are on Tuesdays and Fridays (my days off) for the most part. Since the transfer is on a Friday I'll have the weekend to rest.

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As for Operation Diaper Free we are on day six! No accidents today. All the pee pee made it in to the potty, and he even held it during a time out (literally held it). Yippee!!!!!

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Latest words of cuteness:

I pointed to a red spot below The Boy's belly button the other day and asked him what it was. He thought I was pointing above the belly button and looked at me like I was an idiot.

"It's my nibble mommy" he said.

Ah yes, of course, his nibble.


This morning he looked at me and pointed to my "nibbles" while I was getting dressed and told me I had "big nibbles."

I love me some nibbles.

New additions to my blog

Now that I'm on the new blogger and I have some free time because I'm at work tonight, I thought I'd update my blog a little. I added a list of links to some of my favorite blog reads. If you read my blog and I missed you, please let me know so I can add you. If you notice problems with the links, let me know that too.

Operation Diaper Free

Operation Diaper Free - Day 1:

One accident at daycare followed by The Boy holding all bodily fluids the rest of the day. Upon arriving home major meltdown of TB as he strips his pants off and attempts to put his own diaper on. Awesome Daddy remembered the cheerio trick and manages to convince TB to try peeing standing up. No luck, but he does try several more times. Success achieved after bath as the floodgates opened. Who knew a 4 year old could hold so much.

Operation Diaper Free - Day 2:

One accident at daycare, teachers decide to push fluids. Pee success in afternoon! Yeah, happy potty dance ensues. Another pee success when home with daddy, this time hitting the cheerios! Just before bath as The Boy is running around naked while I get it ready, he comes running to me very upset with poop hanging from his behind. Major melt down as I attempt to get him on the toilet as poop gets on the seat and freaks TB out. TB is very grossed out by poop getting on him! Mommy isn't that thrilled by it either.

Operation Diaper Free - Day 3:

Two accidents at daycare, teachers push even more fluids. Again, pee success in afternoon. Minor pee and poop accident (while sitting on my lap at the computer - lucky me). TB tells us several times that "underwear is not a good idea" and "pooping in the potty is not a good idea." During dinner while sitting in his underwear he realizes he has some pee on his leg and we run to the bathroom. Another successful cheerio shower!

Operation Diaper Free - Day 4:

Today we are at home. Multiple accidents including one poop. During nap I let him wear a pullup because I didn't want him playing the get up to go potty game instead of sleeping. Not sure if that was a good idea or not, as his pullup was full of pee and poop when he got up. Home with daddy now as I am at work.

Can't say I'm enjoying potty training. Although, I don't imagine anyone really does. I really don't care for poop.